BHF5: CIS Miami
by ShadowDialga
Summary: The CISs try their hand at forensics! Please don't read this!


Episode XV: CIS: Miami

[One morning at CIS HQ.]

[Harvey is asleep.]

Harvey: Snooooore… mmm… cheeeeeseburgerrrsss…

Bender: HARVEY! ROSE! WAKE UP!

Harvey: GAH! [Sees he's been eating his pillow.] Eeeeew…

Rose: IF YOU'RE NOT A CUP OF COFFEE, I DON'T WANNA HEAR FROM YOU!

Bender: Uhh… [Pulls cup of coffee out of chest compartment.] You guys! Big orders from Sideshow Bob! He's told us we should branch into forensics! And I got a case!

Harvey: Don't you EVER sleep?

Bender: Yes, but Ms. Pac Man had to get her wiring fixed! Follow me!

[They get out of bed and walk to the garage.]

Bender: Guys, there's been a murder on Tatooine! If we go over there and be CIS CSIs, we'll get a promotion!

Harvey: Sounds good.

[Fly over there.]

Bender: Remember, for this mission if the BHF5 try to intervene, ignore them or accept help! We'll get revenge on them for being helpful later.

[They get to a dead Tusken Raider.]

Rose: Is this our vic?

Bender: Yeah, a Bantha called it in a few hours ago and fenced it off.

Harvey: How can a Bantha-

Rose: Never mind that! We're inexperienced! We've received no training! This is more idiotic than the time you tried to sleep with the voting machine to get it to cast 100 votes for some guy!

Bender: Hey! That plan SUCEEDED! And I've seen you guys watching CSI marathons (and making out)! You can handle this!

Rose: Pervert!

Harvey: We have no equipment!

Rose: Really? You don't, either?

Harvey: AAAARRGGGHHH! Not in that way! I mean we have nothing a crime lab does!

Bender: Bob loaned me this ship. It has CODIS, Trace, a fold-out autopsy kit, and even an organ smoothie-

Rose: Never mind! Fine! Let's just ID this guy and get this ridiculous episode over with.

Harvey: Well, since fingerprinting would be useless, and IDing him by visual would be a waste of time, the only way is to get some DNA. With any luck, it'll still be in the system that took DNA samples of everyone involved in the attack on our factory and Fort Tusken.

Rose: How'd we get those?

Harvey: Everyone we captured we ID'd, but they broke out. There were hundreds, so this could be one of em'.

Rose: But there's something strange here.

Bender: What is it?

Rose: There's no sign of sexual trauma-

Harvey: WHAT?

Rose: -but it seems someone got halfway through uncovering his arm when they left. See, the cloak is unraveled. [Puts thermometer into body.] Liver temperature puts death at about 6-8 hours ago, so maybe they were trying to remove his cloak, but scrambled because of some kind of intervention.

Harvey: What made them leave? And why would our suspect do that?

Rose: Not sure, but there are fingerprints on the unraveled portion here indicate that whatever, or whoever, it was, it definitely wasn't another Bantha.

[YEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!]

[Theme song.]

Dun! Dun dun! Dundudun! Dun dun dun!

Daa! Daa da daaa! Da dada daa!

Daa! Daa da daaa! Da dada daa!

Daa! Daa da daaa! Da dada da daaaaaaaaa!

Da da!

We don't get fooled again!

Won't get fooled again!

No no!

Da! Da! Da! Da! Dadadaaaaaa!

Badunk!

Featuring Harvey Hugamuffin as himself

Jennifer Sirius as Darth Rose

And John DiMaggio's voice as Bender

[Commercial break.]

[A Tusken Raider is in a nicely furnished kitchen and opens the fridge.]

Raider: I think I'll have something to drink!

[Throws a bunch of cartons, cans, and cats out of the fridge.]

Raider: Here we go!

[Holds out a can of Bantha to the screen.]

Announcer: Bantha! The only soda endorsed by the Tatooine Association of Tusken Raiders! Now in Gaerp, Ornage, Stwarbrory, Rrechy, and Dung!

Raider: [Doing a (_l B face and drinking.] It tastes like liquid diabetes!

Announcer: Now available at Fort Tusken and Raider Camps everywhere!

[Back to the show.]

Rose: Alright, I analyzed the fingerprints on the unwound portion and ran it through CODIS.

Harvey: What'd you get?

Rose: The prints were all partials, but I managed to combine them and get a partial profile that could fit 2 people.

Harvey: So, who's our dynamic duo?

Rose: You misunderstood, it was one person, I'm just not sure who. It's either You-Know-Who or a Moisture Farmer named Andre Masonar.

Harvey: Bart? This episode just got interesting.

Rose: What'd your autopsy show?

Harvey: The COD was forceful blood flow prohibition using the upper extremities with a 4 + 1 pattern on the major head support arteries.

Rose: What?

Harvey: He was strangled and held so his brain's blood flow was cut off.

Rose: Choking with a stroke on the side. Whoever did this certainly had a grudge. But why didn't I find any fingerprints on the neck?

Harvey: Maybe he was strangled with gloves and then took them off to remove the cloak.

Bender: Or… maybe it was someone else who removed the cloak!

Rose: We'll need statements. I'll go find the moisture farmer. Harvey, go for you-know-who.

Harvey: I'll try to restrain myself.

Bender: We're working for the government now, guys. Any kind of assault and this whole investigation will go to pieces!

[At the BHF5 base.]

[Doorbell rings.]

Harvey: CIS CRIME LAB! OPEN UP, BART!

Bart: Harvey? Over a frozen Hoth! Oh, wait. But what are you doing here?

Harvey: Don't make my job any harder, Bart! I'm doing "clean" work today.

Bart: Ai'ght… [Opens door.] What do you want?

Harvey: Where were you at 2-4 this morning?

Bart: Sleeping in my room.

Harvey: Can anyone corroborate that?

Bart: Are you kidding? Unlike you, I'm not messed up because someone watches me in my sleep.

Harvey: Hey! That's harassing a law officer! Cool it! Do you have any security cameras here?

Bart: None that would prove anything.

Harvey: Alright, we don't have enough evidence to hold you, so we can't take you in, but don't go far.

Bart: What am I being accused of anyway?

Harvey: Murdering a Tusken Raider.

Bart: I wouldn't do that! …wait a second!

Harvey: What is it?

Bart: We have surveillance in the kitchen! I remember I got up to get a glass of Bantha in the middle of the night!

[Winks at camera.]

Harvey: Let's see the tapes!

[1 surveillance footage later.]

Harvey: The timestamp indicates you got up around 3:30 coming from and back to the direction of your room in your teddy bear pjs. Unless you were trying to attract embarrassment, this proves you were here during the window of the murder.

Bart: Alright, so I'm clear?

Harvey: Yup. See ya. [Leaves, then stops and turns around.] Maybe we can be CIVIL some day.

Bart: HEY, SCREW YOU, BASSHOLE!

[Slams door.]

[Harvey rolls his eyes and walks away.]

[Meanwhile]

Rose: Hi, are you Mr. Andre Masonar?

Andre: What do you think?

Rose: Well, I see your name talking on the transcript, so I guess so. What the transcript doesn't tell me is if you're guilty. We've got a Tusken Raider murdered less than 5 miles from here and he's got your partials on his cloak. Where were you from 2-4 this morning?

Andre: Working my butt off at the night shift at the moisture farm near Womp Rat canyon, and my co-workers can back that up. Ask them.

Rose: I've had them on speakerphone this whole time, and they just confirmed it. Stay here. [Radios Harvey.] Harvey, my guy isn't him. Got You-Know-Who yet?

Harvey: Negative, he's also innocent.

Rose: So either someone's lying or the perp isn't in the system.

Harvey: Alright, let's meet up with Bender, he's been running the prints and bodily fluids analysis and says he's got something interesting.

Rose: Got it. Thank you for your cooperation, sir.

Andre: No problem.

[Back at the A/V ship.]

Bender: Alright, I ran this guy's blood through CODIS and Trace, and got hits on both. He's Gerah Goghin, chief of a local Tusken tribe.

Rose: The one Tork's from?

Bender: Exactly, and I've got some spikes for morphine in his blood in Trace.

Harvey: But I found no needle hole or lung discoloration in my autopsy.

Bender: If he didn't inhale or get injected with it, maybe it was like a nicotine patch.

Harvey: Easy to plant, easy to conceal, and removable with no visible trace. Genius.

Bender: But if Tusken Raiders aren't allowed to remove their cloak at any time, how could it have been applied?

Rose: Wait, maybe he changed into a different suit laced with morphine!

Harvey: Sounds reasonable. Just soak and hang, and it won't leave any prints, either.

Rose: What a horrible way to die.

Bender: While you were talking, I ran a fragment of his cloak through Trace, and got the same spike for morphine. His cloak was drugged, and before he came to, he was choked and stroked and dumped.

Harvey: That sounds like some weird sex act.

Rose: Well, obviously another raider did this, but was it a rival tribe or his own? And this also confirms that whoever tried to strip him was a different person.

Bender: This case is getting more and more murky by the second.

Rose: Please don't tell me we have to ID every raider in the area.

Bender: Hold on, I got it! Harvey, did Bart cooperate when you interviewed him?

Harvey: Reluctantly.

Bender: Well, maybe we could have TR tell us about any plots against the chief's life from when he was in the tribe!

Rose: That sounds like a plan.

Harvey: Except for one tiny detail: Only Bart and Hayabadabla were home when I came over.

Bender: Well, then there's no telling where they are.

Rose: Let the tedium begin!

[They ID every Tusken Raider within an 8-hour run.]

Harvey: Alright, I got 2 hits for suspicious behavior, both from the tribe with the dead chief. What do you say we go over there and investigate?

Rose: Alright.

[They arrive at a Raider's house.]

Raider: You again? May I help you?

Rose: Yes, we have a warrant to search your house for morphine that was used to drug your chief.

Raider: Be my guest. You won't find what doesn't exist.

Harvey: We practice law. We'll see about that.

[1 thorough search later.]

Raider: Was giving my cat a cavity search really necessary?

Harvey: About as necessary as examining every can of unopened Bantha soda.

[Burps. Winks at camera.]

Raider: Well, you didn't find anything, did you?

Rose: No, not even a trace. You're clean.

Raider: Glad to hear it. Bring whoever did it to me so I can kick their ass!

Bender: Sorry, after I'm done, they won't have any ass left to kick!

[They find the other Raider's home.]

Rose: CIS CRIME LAB! OPEN UP! WE HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE YOU ARE IN POSSESSION OF THE MORPHINE USED IN THE DRUGGING OF YOUR CHIEF!

[They bust the door open.]

Bender: Come out with your hands up!

[They sweep the house.]

Rose: He's gone. Typical sign of guilt.

Harvey: How do we know he didn't just go to a neighbor's for a cup of sugar?

Rose: Well, this cereal bowl is still spinning, which means we're in a cartoon and he left in a jiffy.

Bender: You guys! I got something!

[They all run over to him.]

Bender: Check it out! I downloaded the fingerprint scanner app to my eyes and I found prints all over this window frame!

Rose: Not surprising, seeing as it's SHATTERED!

Bender: But it isn't our guy! And the body fluid analysis suggests that, while the window shows no signs of sexual trauma-

Harvey: Seriously, what the hell?

Bender: -it has blood with a DNA match to the homeowner!

Rose: So, let's slow down and lay our information out: We have partial prints on the partially-stripped Tusken Cloak on the dead body of a tribal chief who died after being drugged and choked. Both people who fit the partials have alibis, we have a missing suspect and the prints of someone who killed him, and we have no leads on who or why removed his cloak and who killed him!

Bender: Sounds like one hell of a case.

Rose: Can we please just blame it on the butler?

Harvey: Well, maybe we should compare the bloody window prints to the partials on his cloak.

Bender: Scanning… guys, we just got ourselves our perp.

[Commercial break.]

[A Tusken Raider is sitting on his butt in a blank white room doing nothing. A safe falls at him and freezes just before it hits him. He blinks and scratches his head.]

Announcer: Do you have any idea of how close danger can be at any time?

[Safe resumes falling on him and bursts open, covering the floor in hundred-credit bills.]

Announcer: Well, shit will happen no matter what! But insure yourself with Mutual of Ewok, and at least your family will get big bucks in case you die!*

Fine Print: .

[Back to the show.]

Bender: Guys, the prints on windowsill match the partials on the cloak! I'll try to decode them fully now…

Rose: This has to be the guy. Whoever just killed or kidnapped a suspect stripped the cloak off the chief.

Harvey: But why? Even if we say that the (missing) body is of the nicotine supplier and lacer, why kill him and strip the cloak?

Rose: I got it! Maybe he was afraid he would be ratted out, so he killed the guy and tried to take the cloak so we wouldn't figure out the drugging!

Harvey: And here's something else: Maybe we're only looking for one guy. Maybe he wore gloves when he laced the cloak, strangled the guy, dumped him in the desert, and tried to strip the cloak in his bare fingers because the cloak was too tightly wound to untie with gloves, and besides, once he uncovered and destroyed it, there would be no prints!

Bender: Makes sense. We need to find this guy. And there's one more question: Why did he stop unraveling and wait this long to kill a witness, if he even is one?

Rose: Bender, did the full prints fit anyone in CODIS?

Bender: Yeah, I scanned while we were theorizing, and you won't believe this! When I combined the prints, I actually got them right! We were wrong! They match someone, and you guys are gonna like this!

Harvey: Tell us!

[Later, at Andre Masonar's house.]

Harvey: You thought you can get away with it!

Andre: I would call you meddling kids, but I'm actually pretty surprised you figured it out so fast. Another half-hour and I would've been on Kamino with my death faked.

Rose: Pull off his face!

Harvey: Well, we have possession of illegal substances, 2 counts of first-degree murder, conspiracy, tampering with witnesses, and attempted evidence tampering.

Rose: You're going to Oovo IV for life.

Bender: I knew it was suspicious the way all the workers chanted "In-no-cent!" DURING THE ALIBI.

Andre: I guess I'll never see my wife and kids again.

Harvey: Don't do that, you have none. Now, maybe we won't make you eat a few cubic acres of sand if you tell us why and how you did it.

Andre: The chief was ordering attacks on our moisture plant, and we couldn't take it. We drew straws and decided I would kill him, and they would cover for me. Instead of shadily trying to conceal everything, I tried to make myself an obvious suspect so I would be eliminated quicker. I got partway through taking off his cloak when I was seen and ran off.

Harvey: The Tusken Raider you killed in his home, where is his body and why did you do it?

Andre: He was the chief's top advisor, and I slipped him a few grand to look the other way. Then, I murdered him and buried him in the desert, because it's a shame to waste good money. I tried planting fake prints on the window, but you came before I expected and had to scram through the window. I didn't even get to finish my cereal!

Bender: Wait till Bob hears about how we solved our first case!

[Later at CIS HQ.]

Bob: I heard about how you solved your first case. It will also be your last. You get a promotion and stuff. Look, can we please just end this crappy, drawn out chapter?

Harvey: I agree, so with that, our show is ov-!

[Credits.]


End file.
